mema22

mema22

[	website	\|	My Website	]
[	userinfo	\|	livejournal userinfo	]
[	archive	\|	journal archive	]

I'm a runner?!

[Nov. 30th, 2009|02:41 pm]

[

Current Mood

contemplative

]

So I went running today, for the first time in about 2 years, needless to say, it sucked ass hardcore. I used to be a subscriber to the heychris/deadxstop punk rock running program and then I moved away and started eating and drinking and hangout with the homies instead of moving my ass. Not good. As a result I am now super fat and super out of shape. My mile today was the hardest mile of my life, I only ran 3/4 of it, marathon shuffled the last bit. Long story short, I gotta get my shit in check, back to the 3 days a week mile increase every week regime! My issue is not that I eat badly, I eat so clean it hurts, my issue is that I don't eat all day so when I do finally eat I eat a lot, and I don't excercise at all. That needs to stop.

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bored	[Jun. 5th, 2009\|10:26 pm]
What are you doing tomorrow? Cleaning my place. Where EXACTLY were you when you entered 2009? At the mormons house then getting drunk. What do you feel weird without? Cell phone and keys Do you flip your pillow to the cold side? More often than not Do you brush your hair with a comb or a brush? Brush What is something that you realized today? Life sucks Do you think anyone has feelings for you? Hells nah! You can only drink ONE liquid for the rest of your life, what is it? Water or pom juice. Do you think you are a good person? Not really Are you a patient person? At times Are you afraid of death/dying? Fuck yes How's your heart lately? A little broken When was the last time you cried? A couple days ago, life has been hard lately. Think a lot before you fall asleep? I have lately Do you care what others think about you? More than I should What are you excited for? Stuff Who was the last person you talked to last night before you went to bed? My mom Will you be in a relationship next month? Dunno What are you listening to? The tv What is on your bed right now? blankies, pillows, and my teddy bear Do you think its wrong to have sex before marriage? Nope, what if you never get married. Will this weekend be a good one? Sure will Do you want someone back in your life? Not really Is there a night you would like to put on repeat, and live it forever? Kinda What's going on between you and the last person you kissed? Not a damn thing! Can you recall the last time you liked someone a lot? Yep Anyone of the opposite sex been on your mind lately? Kinda Are you nice to everyone? Not really Have you ever slept in the same bed as your friends? Yesh Is there anything in your past that you'd like to try again Kinda Are you a cuddler? Nope Look behind you, what do you see? The hallway When was the last time you read a book just for the fun of it? A couple days ago What color was the last pill you took? Pink and white Who sung the song you last listened to? Dunno What color is your hair? blah blah brown Do you see yourself having kids when you grow up? Hell nah Do you like thunder storms? Absolutely Who was the last person you were on the phone with? My momma Who was the last person to text you? A boy Whats the weather like outside? Humid What was the highlight of your week? Not much Are you happy right now? Uh, could always be better What are you listening to? The tv Who are you thinking about right now? A boy When was the last time you laughed REALLY hard? Its been awhile, lifes been hard What makes you happy most of the time? My friends and family who was the last person you said i love you to? My sister or mom Has anyone told you that you had pretty eyes? yeah, they're pretty spectacular Is there anyone you cannot go a day without talking to? Yep. Do you know anyone by the name of Dennis? Nah What is your current desktop picture? Stars
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don't know how to go back.	[Apr. 13th, 2009\|07:03 pm]
No one reads this and that's okay, I'm just trying to figure some shit out. I figure writing it out can't hurt, so...here's the deal, my best friend (at the time) and I were supposed to get an apartment together, instead she bailed on me after living in my spare bedroom rent free for almost 2 weeks! I fucking cleaned up after this cunt and her cat, bought all the groceries, that she had no trouble eating, and even pulled some strings to get her a job at the bakery where I work! Now I'm left living in my shitty apartment, friendless and having to see this bitch everyday at work, I don't know what to do. On one hand I love her and miss her, on the other I don't need or want her crazy drama! I just want to erase the past month and get back to how things were, instead I'm uncomfortable at work, I choose to skip social functions so that its not akward since we have the same group of friends, and even go so far as to break long standing friend dates so that innocent friend doesn't feel like they have to choose sides. Unfortunatly all that does is make me feel like an outcast, like someone not worthy of spending time with those I've grown to love. I don't know, the whole thing leaves me feeling incredibly depressed and alone.
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its 6am why the fuck am i awake?

[Jan. 6th, 2009|06:24 am]

[	Current Location	\|	my bed	]
[	Current Music	\|	screaming boredom	]

1. Where is your cell phone?: In my hand.
2. Your boyfriend/girlfriend?: At home, sleeping I'm sure.
3. Your hair?: dark brown, shortish and in pigtails
4. Work?: not yet but soon hopefully.
5. Your father? Is a scumb bag who I haven't heard anything from in like 10 years.
6. Your favorite thing? my beautiful friends
7. Your dream last night?: wasn't memorable
8. Your favorite drink? Water, pomagrante/cranberry juice
9. Your dream car? One that works all the time.
10. The room you’re in? My bedroom
11. Your pet? I don't have one
12. Your fears? Failing, dying, not making an impact in some way
13. What do you want to be in 10 years? 10 years older.
14. Where did you hang out last night? At blue-fin, had some nummy sushi.
15. What you're not good at? Moderation, consistency, life.
16. Eyebrow rings on the opposite sex? If he can pull it off? Yes. But that goes for most things.
17. One of your wish list items? New car
18. Where you grew up? Good ol' Hermiston Oregon
19. The last thing you did? Answered the last question
20. What are you wearing? PJ's, grey cropped sweats and pink and green tank
21. What aren’t you wearing? Real clothes
23. Your computer? Non existant
24. Your life? Has its ups and downs like most
25. Your mood? Sleepy
26. Missing? My family
27. Who are you thinking about right now? This one guy with good hair.
28. Your car? Sucks ass
29. Your work? None yet, but hopefully soon.
30. Your summer? Will hopefully be amazing.
31. Your relationship status? Is a mystery to all not involved
32. Your favorite colour? Hot pink, I make no apologies.
33. When is the last time you laughed? Last night, Paola is seriously hilarious!
34. Last time you cried? When I left Yolanda's, I miss my sister, BIL, nephews and the kid still baking away.
35. School? I've been.
MOUTHOLOGY
What is your salad dressing of choice? A yummy vinegarette
What is your favorite fast food restaurant? Sonic or arbys
What is your favorite sit-down restaurant? Depends on mood.
What food could you eat every day and not get sick of it? Um...none I don't think
What are your pizza toppings of choice? Every veggie you can think of
What do you like to put on your toast? butter, strawberry jelly
What is your favorite type of gum? Whatever
TECHNOLOGY
What is your wallpaper on your computer? At home, tegan and Sara, on my phone(my phone is my substitute comp), a pic of one of my fav people.
How many televisions are in your house? One
Do you use a laptop or desktop? neither
BIOLOGY
Are you right-handed or left-handed? Right handed
Do you like your smile? Not really
What’s your best feature? My eyes
Have you ever had anything removed from your body? 3 wisdom teeth
Which of your five senses do you think is keenest? Hearing and taste.
When was the last time you had a cavity? Never, not once in my life
What is the heaviest item you lifted last? No idea
Have you ever been knocked unconscious? Only with medications, not by force
BULLCRAPOLOGY
If you could, would you wanna know the day you were going to die? Of course not
Is love for real? No.
If you could change your first name, what would you change it to? I wouldn't, my name is awesome!
What color do you think looks best on you? Black
Have you ever swallowed a non-food item by mistake? More than likely
Have you ever saved someone’s life? I have
Has someone ever saved yours? Yep
DAREOLOGY
Would you walk naked down a public street for $100,000? Uh no.
Would you kiss a member of the same sex for $100? Depends how bad I need the money
Would you cut off one of your little fingers for $200,000? Naw
Would you never blog again for $50,000? Fuck yes
Would you pose naked in a magazine for $250,000? Doubtful
Would you drink an entire bottle of hot sauce for $1000? I'd probably puke if I tried.
Would you give up watching television for a year for $25,000? Absolutely.
DUMBOLOGY
What is in your left pocket? Nada
Is Napoleon Dynamite actually a good movie? Its pretty okay.
Do you sit or stand in the shower? both.
Could you live with roommates? Haven't tried it yet.
How many pairs of flip flops do you own? A few
Where were you born? Hermiston OR
Last time you had a run-in with the cops? Define "run in".
What do you want to be when you grow up? Still cute, mildly respectable.
LASTOLOGY
Friend you talked to? Paola
Last person you called? Mi madre
Person you kissed? Nun'ya
When? See above
Would you kiss that person again? Oh absolutely.
FAVORITOLOGY
Number? 22
Seasons? Spring and fall, I don't like extremes
CURRENTOLOGY
Missing someone? A few people, yes.
Mood? Still sleepy
Listening to? My keys clicking
Worrying about? My externship
RANDOMOLOGY
First place you went this morning? To the potty.
What can you not wait to do? Be productive
What’s the last movie you saw? Uh...a Christmas one that just came out.
Do you smile often? Sometimes
Are you a friendly person? Most of the time
1. Where is the boy you like now? Asleep
2. What were you doing Friday? Stuff
3. Name something you did yesterday? Hung out with Paola
4. Last person you text messaged? Andrew
5. Who was the last person to call you?
Maxfield
6. What are you doing right now? Filling out this obnoxious survey.
7. Next time you travel out of the country where will it be to? Hopefully somewhere cool
8. What color are your eyes? Light brown
9. Are you allergic to anything? Everything
10. Are you dating the last person you kissed? Yes
11. Last place you ordered food from? Blue-fin
12. Who was the last person you shared a bed with? Uhhh...nun'ya.
13. What color is your hair? Still in pigtails
14. Do you remember singing any songs as a kid? Yup.
15. Would you kiss the last person you kissed again? How many times are we going to be repeating questions here?
16. Who knows a secret or two about you? My teddy bear.
17. When was the last time you lied? A few days ago, it was a lie of omission though.
18. Do you like fire? Hells yeah
19. Did you have a nap today? Today hasn't even really started
20. What is your favorite drink? Clamato Juice. For fucks sake, stop repeating questions.
21. What do you wear more, jeans or sweats? Jeans
25. Where did you get the shirt you’re wearing now? Target, hey I'm poor and shits cheap!
26. Have you ever wanted to be a teacher? Nope.
28. Is anyone jealous of you? Doubtful
30. Have any regrets? A few
31. Where were you 1 hour ago? asleep
32. Where were you 8 hours ago? Asleep.
35. Has anyone ever told you that they like you more than as a friend? Yeah and its weird
37. Is cheating ever okay? Not if you're in a serious committed relationship.
38. Who was the last person you rode in a car with? Andrew
39. What are you looking forward to? Getting shit started
41. Have you kissed anyone in the past week? Yeah
43. What are you listening to? Same thing as before
45. Favorite Sports Team? Uhhh...pass.
46. What song do you want played at your funeral? Why do I care I'll be dead
47. What were you doing 12 AM last night? Sleeping
48. What was the first thing you thought of when you woke up? Seriously, 6 am! Fuck!
49. Who will you be with this Saturday night? The usual suspects, Paola, Andrew and Max
50. What woke you up this morning? Nothing.
52. Is tomorrow going to be a good night? One can hope.
53. Did you kiss or hug anyone today? Nope
55. How many myspace accounts do you have? Uno
56. Do or did you like school? Parts of it.
56. Would you take a bullet for anyone? Depends on the person, depends on the location of said bullet.
57. Where would you like to live? Chicago, IL.or San Francisco would be nice.
58. Do long distance relationships work? No
59. Does your crush like you? I sincerely doubt it.
60. Where do you see yourself in 5 years? Crazily happy
61. Have you ever thought about getting your lip pierced? Thought about it. Never got it done.
62. Does a kiss make your cuts feel better? Depends on who's kissing them.
63. Have you ever passed out on the bathroom floor? Once
64. Can you cook? Some things, yes.
65. What shoe do you put on first, left or right? Whichever one I grab first.
66. Have you ever brushed your teeth while in the shower? All the time.
67. Have you had more than 3 boyfriends/girlfriends at the same time? No
68. Have you ever thought about your death? All the time.
69. Whats your hair color? Le sigh. Brown
70. Where do you put your towel after taking a shower? I usually hang it up right away.
71. What color is your shower curtain? Black and clear
72. Have you ever had stitches? In my forehead and mouth
73. Are you straight? Yes?
74. Did you believe that girls have cooties? Did you mean cooters? No? Ok, no.
75. Do you know how to use chop sticks? Yup!
76. Can you finish the phrase, “Who lives in a pineapple under the sea?" SPONGEBOB SQUAREPANTS!!one!!1!!1
78. Do you sometimes believe that guys have PMS? I do!
79. Who was the last person you couldn’t take your eyes off of? This dude
80. Have you ever given money to a homeless person? I have and wish I had more to give
81. Have you ever run over an animal? Yes, a poor little birdie
82. What is your favourite cereal? Honey bunches of oats and trix
83. Have you ever had an Oreo with peanut butter? Yes and it is amazing.
84. Have you gotten a text today? Not yet.
85. Do you think its right for straight guys to get their tongue pierced? Totally fine with me
86. Where’s your favorite place to be? Curled up in bed, surrounded by blankets
88. It’s Wednesday afternoon, where are you usually? Um, home
89. Who are the last four people to send you a text message? Paola, Cynthia, Carolina and Michelle
91. What are you listening to? Whole lotta nothing
92. Your Christmas list consists of? Nada
93. Your ex just asked you out and you say? Which ex?
94. You’re going to New York for school shopping, where do you go first? For school shopping? Um...why would I go to NY just to go school shopping?
95. You need a new pair of jeans, what store do you go to first? Old navy, I'm lame shut up.
96. How do you feel about your hair? Eh, its whateve
97. What time do you wake up for school? Not in school, atm.
98. What movie is in your DVD player? Garden state I think or say anything
99. Last two numbers in your phone number? 12
100. Who calls you by a nickname? 50% of my friendbase.
101. What side of the bed do you sleep on? Right side.
102. Do you like roller coasters? No
103. Favorite T.V. show? The Office, big bang theory and random bad reality TV
104. Your last IM was from? Sarah
105. Favorite Beverage? HOW MANY TIMES CAN YOU ASK ME THIS?! <-- This.
106. When’s the next time you’ll kiss someone of the opposite sex? Hopefully quite soon.
107. What do your pants look like? Right now? Grey sweats
108. Are you tired? I am.
109. Do you have to pee? Nope.
110. Would you kiss the cook of tonight's dinner? I will be making my dinner, so...yes.
111. Laugh much? Yep, all the time, at random bullshit to.
112. What are your plans for Saturday? Hang out with the friends who are my extended family
113-116 were a bunch of goddamn repeats. 117. The most excitement you had this week? New years eve was quite interesting
118. What do you usually order at Taco Bell? I don't, its fucking gross
119. Have you ever sat all the way through Gone With the Wind? I have!
120 and 121 were also deleted... (Not my doing)
122. Do you ever think about the price of gasoline? I don't drive, but I do think about it.
123. Do you sleep with a fan on? If it's hot.
124. What’s the best thing about winter? The snow. If only it wasn't the worse winter in history.
125. How often do you hold back from saying what you are thinking? Not as much as I should
126. How many states have you been to? Not many
127. Are you currently planning a trip? Not really, I'm poor
128. Who was the last person you read something out loud to? I dunno
129. Last time you forced yourself to do something? A few days ago
130. Have you ever googled your name and found somebody? Nope
140. Who’s your number one? My #1 what? That's rather open ended.
141. Can you drive? Yup! I can.
142. What makes you feel like you are young again? Nothing, I'm old and jaded.
143. Do you ever type “kik” or “;p’;” instead of lol? Rarely
144. Do you know how to play chess? Nope
145. Whats on your mind right now? A couple things, things that shall not be revealed.

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New Years Eve 2008

[Jan. 1st, 2009|03:05 pm]

[

Current Mood

indescribable

]

My New Years Eve was pretty weird even by my standards, I spent it stuck in Hermiston because I'm waiting for my car to be fixed, now, I don't have anything here anymore except for family, so my options were Tri-Cities with my mom, sister, nephews and aunt I hate or Stanfield with my sister, BIL, and nephews at my BIL families house, btw they are devoute mormons, I chose Stanfield, cause seriously, I HATE my aunt. :( That started the weirdness of the night, seriously, it was spent playing rock band, drinking soda (naughty mormons, drinking the caffenine), and chit-chating with people I hardly know, I was seriously the "entertainment" for the night, I don't know how many questions I got about Portlandia and how was it possible that I like it so much, uh...cause everything doesn't shut down at 9 thats how.

Suffered through that until about 12:15, returned to my sister and BIL's apartment where my BIL's little brother showed up with bitch beer and proceeded to get drunk off the rest of a bottle of wine, an IPA, an MGD and a bitch beer, I'm losing my touch. Stayed up until around 3:30am talking to the boys and text messaging my kinda boyfriend, yeah explanation, I don't want a boyfriend, he doesn't want a girlfriend but we're only seeing each other so that makes him my kinda boyfriend, got it? Anyways, texted him and talked to my BIL and his brother until about 3:30 am then my BIL went to sleep and myself and his brother were hanging out talking about my boy situation, lord knows why, when all of the sudden he goes "Well good then it won't be an issue if I do this" and proceeded to kiss me. I seriously was like uh, no, we're both drunk and in my sister & your brothers house, our nephews are just down the hall, we can't do this, which led to a fairly hot and heavy makeout sesh, and his removal of some clothing, what can I say, I'm a sucker for a half naked boy. :D Seriously, I had a crush on this boy from the day I met him, and I was seriously SO freaking out that I was even near him in an intimate way, but I couldn't do it, I couldn't seal the deal in my sisters house knowing that my nephews were asleep down the hall. It was enough though, too bad I feel a little guilty for messing around with someone who wasn't my non-boyfriend. All in all the night didn't end up too bad. :D

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(no subject)

[Nov. 5th, 2008|04:48 am]

[	Current Location	\|	my living room!	]
[	Current Mood	\|	enthralled	]

Fuck yeah! Its about god damn time we elected a president we can be proud of! Its overwhelming!

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boredom

[Jul. 27th, 2008|08:39 pm]

[	Current Location	\|	my living room	]
[	Current Mood	\|	bored	]

1. First Name: Zulema but more than likely I'll ask you to call me Mema.

2. Age: 22

3. Location: Portland, OR

4. Occupation: prep baker and pastry student.

5. Boyfriend/Girlfriend/Married/Significant Other?: single.

6. Kids: doubtful but never say never.

7. Brothers/Sisters: I'm right in the middle of 5 girls, ages 29, 25, 22, 9 and 8. I'm the only one whose made it out of Hermiston so far.

8. Pets: I don't have any, I'm too lazy to get a cat.

9. List the 3-5 biggest/most exciting things going on in your life:
Work, I'm excited to be a prep baker.

School, I'm ready for it to be over but I love it.

Portland, seriously, when I was younger getting her was all I wanted, now I'm here and have to dream bigger.

10. Where and for what did you go to school?:
I currently attend western culinary institute and am in the baking program, I'm gonna be a pastry chef!

11. Parents? What do they do, where do they live, are you close?: my mom is a childrens librarian in Hermiston, OR on top of raising two little girls. My dad is an alcoholic somewhere in CO. I'm very close to my mom, I talk to her almost everyday.

12. Who are some of your closest friends?: Erin, Dee, and Paola are the 3 people I know I can tell anything to and they won't judge. Besides them I have lots of psydo friends.

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Voice Post

[Feb. 10th, 2008|07:31 am]

VoicePost

34K 0:09

“I was just calling to see if it still works or not. If it dial's out exciting coz now I have a new way to talk to people.”

Auto-Transcribed Voice Post - spoken through SpinVox

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a letter to a former friend

[Feb. 10th, 2008|06:59 am]

[	Current Location	\|	my living room	]
[	Current Mood	\|	content	]
[	Current Music	\|	complete silence	]

Okay I feel like I need to write this for the sake of closure on this whole situation, let me start out by saying thank you and I'm not mad anymore, because being mad requires me to have an emotional attachment and I don't, I'm over it and I thank you for accompanying me to Portland to search for places, I don't think I would have found a better community if you hadn't. This in no way means that I forgive you or desire to have any sort of friendship with you from here on in it simply means its a non-issue, if I should see you when I'm visiting hermiston I'll say hi and continue on my way much as I would do with anyone I knew in high school and if you wanted to do the same that would be fine if you didn't that would also be fine. I'm doing really well in Portland and I fear that had you come with me you would have dragged me down, because I'd be comfortable hanging out with you and would not have stepped outside of my comfort zone and made really great friends so I thank you for that also. I won't lie and pretend that you didn't do a really shitty thing by bailing on me the day before I started class but it was an experience that only made me stronger in character and determination so in closing I honestly don't wish you any ill will and I hope that the rest of your life goes according to plan, hopefully your transfer comes through I know how concerned you were about that so I imagine you still are. Good luck with everything and thank you for some fun memories.
Mema

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(no subject)

[Jul. 7th, 2007|09:02 pm]

[	Current Location	\|	Home	]
[	Current Mood	\|	amused	]
[	Current Music	\|	House of Wolves- My Chemical Romance	]

So I haven't posted in a really long time, don't really know why but I just haven't felt like it and everytime I log into LJ it tells me just how long its been, which bothers me, why does my LJ taunt me like that, "oh mema, its been 30 weeks since you posted...loser!" :D

Well eff off LJ, I posted now didn't I? I originally got an LJ so I could lurk HeyChris and I still do, but I never felt too compelled to go any further with it and still don't :D But not posting for 30 weeks made me feel like a complete slacker and well I just can't have that. So, um...see you in another 30 weeks!

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20 Weird Fucked Up Facts About Me.

[Dec. 5th, 2006|02:40 am]

[	Current Mood	\|	bored	]
[	Current Music	\|	A Box Full of Sharp Objects- The Used	]

1. I was in the talented and gifted program from 2nd to 10th grade, then deliberately failed my AP english class my sophomore year so I could get out of it. I didn't want to be seen as a nerd, one of my biggest mistakes.

2. My dad was physically, mentally and emotionally abusive to my mom and sisters, but never laid a hand on me, for that I feel guilty.

3. My mom chose not to teach my sisters and I spanish because when she was growing up she would get in trouble for speaking spanish at school and didn't want us to go through the same thing.

4. I'm almost 21 years old and have never had a real job, outside of babysitting I've never earned my own money.

5. I've struggled with bulimia and anorexia for 2 years but no one knows and if they suspect anything they don't mention it.

6. I crave sympathy and sometimes secretly wish to develop some terrible disease to gain it.

7. I'm extremely flexible, I can stick my legs behind my head, I can do back walkovers, even though I'm fairly overweight.

8. I'm OCD with numbers, everything has to be done in multiples of 2 and sometimes I feel the need to trace words and add exactly 22 exclamation points to them, I also have 22 scars from cutting on each arm and leg.

9. Sometimes in order to leave my house I have to say in my head "You don't care what others say, fuck 'em" if I don't say it I get physically sick and if I'm at the store or something and I feel that someone is looking at me I have to tell myself that its OK, they don't matter.

10. On the rare occasion I go out I have to go alone, I go to concerts alone, movies, dinner, and if I am planning on meeting someone at the place I have to drive my own car there, in case I want to leave early.

11. I love the colors hot pink and lime green but refuse to wear them because I don't want to stand out too much.

12. I love kids but don't want any of my own.

13. I love cooking and baking and I do it a lot but I refuse to eat anything I make.

14. I hate sex, I think its over rated and could completely live without it.

15. I was sexually abused by a family member for years and to this day have never told anyone, which could explain the above.

16. I hate complete silence, it allows me to think, and usually what I think about isn't pleasant, so I have to have music playing or a TV on at all times.

17. I'm hate going out to my car in the dark, I always imagine people hiding in the bushes waiting to jump out at me, but am completely fine with going on 2 am runs completely solo.

18. I have a completely screwed up body image when I was 80 pounds I thought I was the fattest person alive but at a significantly larger size I thought I looked OK.

19. I'm the only one in my family to have ever broken a bone, my collarbone, and because no one knew the extent of my injury I went 2 weeks with it broken before I saw a doctor.

20. I've been known to take far more then the recommended amount of ibuprofen for every little ache and pain in hopes of fucking up my stomach lining beyond repair.

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As I age...

[Nov. 11th, 2006|02:23 am]

[	Current Mood	\|	contemplative	]
[	Current Music	\|	But Home is Nowhere/This Time Imperfect- AFI	]

As I age...
Current mood: contemplative

As I get older I feel like I'm finally coming into my own. I have done and said so many things that I would never do 2 years ago, so why do I still feel like I need approval and acceptance from the masses? I think I'm pretty open minded for such a small town chick, I'm sure all the breaks in LA and the time spent with Rachie had something to do with that, but my openmindedness seems to be my downfall in this godforsaken town, considering the majority of Hermiston is made up of hicks in their F-150's and wranglers, I 'm sort of the odd girl out. I'm deemed as the disease with my black eyeliner and "devil" (their words not mine) music, i'm the girl who mothers pull their children close as I pass, I'm the unsavory, undeserving, just because I don't follow the mainstream, just because I don't believe the filth that your church is implanting in your children, because I know enough to question? Well sorry to say, thats bullshit, you don't like me because I don't fit the stereotypical blonde hair, blue eyed, squeaky clean girl next door image, fine, but because I don't fit into your preconcievds notion of what is deemed acceptable you'll never find out the true me, if you talked to me with an openmind and looked beyond the exterior you would see that I'm a pretty OK girl. So you would think that my family would accept me completely, differences and all, well unfortunetly you'd be incorrect, my uncles (who are extremely conservative), who are more like fathers to me just sort of chalk it up to, well now that shes in college shes turned into a liberal (which is a four letter word in their minds) and don't even bother to listen to my points, they acquate gay marriage with beastiality and view the war as inevidable and a step in the right direction not to mention agree wholeheartedly with every word that comes out of George W. Bush's mouth. My mother tries to coerce me to attend church with her and the little sisters, in hopes that "Jesus will open my eyes to my sinning ways" we'll be nice and just say that I polietly decline. My older sister who I thought would back me up in everything I ever did, has recently found religion and is a newly baptized Mormon, who, on a consistant basis, refers to me as the devil, the spawn of satan, and reminds me that I'm going to hell. If I'm going to "hell" because I refuse to just accept what is being spoon fed to me and because of my taste in music, then hell is gonna be extremely crowded, because I know that I am not the only one who feels this way. I love that I grew out of my high school shy, I believe everything you say because you said it, shell, I love who I am and what I stand for, yet I wish I was more accepted and had someone who shared the same ideas, I've lost pretty much all of my friends except for the ones who no longer live in the area, Drew and Nate are like my brothers but they live 6 hours away so that lives me pretty SOL. Do friends even matter though, I mean in the grand scheme of things, who really cares if you have 100 friends or none at all, why is that considered a gauge of your worth. Anyways, this whole blog has ended up complete different from what I intended, oh well, I'll post it anyway.

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I don't want to go, does that make me a bad person?	[Nov. 11th, 2006\|02:20 am]
My paternal grandpa called my sister the other day and told her that his cancer has returned and that he has to go to Portland for surgery. My sister wants to go and see him around Thanksgiving and I really don't. He and my sister have been talking and writing to each other for a couple of months now, and I knew that he had cancer but we didn't know how bad it was. I myself haven't spoken to him in years, and he doesn't seem to have any desire to speak to me, which is fine I guess. I mean we aren't close and we never really were, I think we visited them a total of 5 times while I was growing up, so that didn't really give us time to become super close. Now that hes sick though I feel like maybe I should go see him, I don't know if I want to though. I don't deal well with death and dying, my moms cousin had terminal cancer and when it was determined that she was going to die in a couple of days I didn't go with everyone to say their goodbyes. It was too sad, i couldn't do it, I've experienced too much death in my 20 years I think, and with each one I just get really depressed. My thinking is this, my grandpa had no desire to see or speak to us until he found out he was sick, why is that? Also, he doesn't speak to me he speaks to Yolanda, according to her, he doesn't ask about me, or even mention me, so does he even want me to go? I think if he specifically said, "Mema, I would like you to come see me" I would go, and I feel so stupid saying that, because it sounds like i'm jealous of my sister and his converstations, i'm not, but the last time I saw him I was 9, its been over 10 years, so obviously there was no real connection made between us. I guess my internal dispute is, if I don't go and he does die, will I be OK knowing that I didn't say my goodbyes, and if I do go, will I be OK knowing that hes gonna die. I feel terrible even considering not going, I feel like my reaction should absolutely be yes, I'll go, but its not, does that make me a horrible person?
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Set up!

[Jun. 1st, 2006|01:38 am]

[	Current Location	\|	Cloud 9 (sappy much)	]
[	Current Mood	\|	ecstatic	]
[	Current Music	\|	The Used- Lunacy Fringe	]

So today my sister asked me if I wanted to go the store with her and her husband and I was like...uh...OK, all the while wondering what was going on. Why would she ask me to go to the store with them, I don't need anything basically there isn't any reason for me to go. As we're walking out the door she turns and looks at me and goes "is that what you're gonna wear", red flags everywhere, why does it matter what i'm wearing, i'm not trying to impress anyone. "yeah, it is, is that OK" She then proceeds to march into my closet and find me "acceptable" clothing i.e. nothing that is black, has skulls on it or is ripped in anyway. When i finally emerge from my room i've had my hair fixed, make-up reapplied (no black eyeliner for me), clothes changed 4 times and made to take my jewelary off. Usually a trip to the store doesn't require this, so I inquire "what the hell is going on, why do i feel i'm being tricked into something?" Well Mems, because you are, we arrive at the store and immediatly go to the pop aisle, odd, i don't drink pop, what is the purpose of being in this aisle? Within 2 minutes time I see a guy approaching, he works for Pepsi, my bro in law works for Coke, they know each other...the alarms start ringing..."Isiah, this is my sister in law, you know the one I told you about" recollection comes over his face, "Mema, this is Isaih, we work together, he's 21, talk to him, Yolanda and I have to finish our shoppping" ASSHOLES!!!! what do i do, what do i say, this is obviously an attempt to make a love connection, i don't know him, he doesn't know me, akward silences are sure to ensue..."so Isiah, do you get the feeling we've been set up?" nervous laughter. Shit, if there is a god please strike me were I stand, i'm begging you!! We talk for awhile, he excuses himself, he has to get back to work, before he goes he asks for my number "just in case either one of us gets wind to the setup, we can warn the other" uh OK, I write it on an ATM reciept and give it to him, he folds it and slips it in his pocket. I find my sister and yell very loudly at her for setting me up and putting me in an extremely akward situation without any warning at all. She laughs and says, "fuck you your 20 years old, quit acting like a 2 year old" uh...OK. We finish up and head home 30 minutes after entering my house, i hear the sweet sounds of my cell phone...check the caller ID, hmm, never seen that # before, answer it..."oh hi Isiah, do i want to get some dinner, sure, ok see you at 6." I just got home, best day of my year!! I love you Yolanda and Victor!!!

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ARGH!!!

[May. 27th, 2006|10:39 pm]

[	Current Mood	\|	pissed off	]
[	Current Music	\|	Morrisy, shut up, i'm feeling blue!	]

When I started this journal it was for the sole purpose of lurking on other peoples journals. Today though I seriously feel the need to write! I'm in the complaining mood. My dumbass older sister (shes almost 27, and has 2 boys that shes supposed to be raising) took off a couple of days ago without telling anyone where she was going or even that she was leaving, leaving my mom and myself with her boys, can you say pissed off!! Then we see her in Wal-mart yesterday (which she is banned from, did I mention shes a klepto?) and my big mouth sees her and blurts out, hey isn't she banned, whats wal-marts corporate office number! My mom was pissed...at me, thats right not at my sister for abondoning her kids, nope pissed at me for saying anything!! Whatever, I refuse to sit back and say nothing about the shit she pulled! Shes so fucking retarded!!!! Guess who just decided to show up because she needs a place to crash!!!! I HATE HER!! Ok rant over since I sound like a 8 year old!!

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AFI!!!

[May. 11th, 2006|09:14 am]

[	Current Mood	\|	excited	]
[	Current Music	\|	AFI- Miss Murder	]

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